Modern dating is digital and harder to navigate

ADOBE STOCK

Digital apps and changes in social mores has made dating more complicated than ever.

Dating is exhausting.

Since COVID-19, connections are getting harder to make. Relationship expectations have shifted, and online dating apps have gotten further from their intended mission.

Some people are still looking for their perfect match while others have hit a wall of exhaustion. Relationship coach April Carter and matchmaker Laurie Berzack share advice what to look out for, trends and how to keep going when the search for a partner gets tough.

Dating trends have evolved from courting to marrying for financial stability or fulfilling gender roles to the digital age. 

Today there are challenges of connecting over apps or trying to live up to social media portrayals of the perfect relationship. 

“I think there’s way too much of an emphasis on superficiality now,” Berzack said. “I think that a lot of people think that just because somebody else is on the same app that they are at, that they’re capable of having a relationship with that person when in actuality they’ve got nothing in common. They’re not a match whatsoever.”

Online dating has its benefits, such as specifying preferences and broadening the pool of possibilities, but it also comes with its downsides.

“I think that the dating apps have really changed the way that people meet each other, and I think COVID also really played a huge role in how people are meeting,” Berzack said. “It used to be, even with the dating apps, that you would go to a bar, restaurant and whatnot, people would converse with one another and just be more sociable. I think that COVID created a different dynamic where people just stuck to their little bubbles.”

Keeping an eye out for red flags at the start can save a lot of grief and time in the long run, starting with people who avoid communicating their feelings or having conversations with substance.

“I could not stand online dating,” said Amanda Parry, a client of Berzack’s. “I felt like it was very inauthentic. Guys, when we’re not having very superficial conversations, I would engage in a conversation and it would be, ‘how’s the weather?’ Or ‘what did you do this weekend?’ And you would either not get a response back or you’d get a response a couple weeks later. I wasn't having meaningful conversation.”

Questions are important in getting to know someone which sets the foundation of being able to progress the relationship.

“I went on one date, and I’m very bad at getting out of dates that aren’t going well, and the guy didn’t ask me one question about myself,” she said. “And that is not attractive.”

Another red flag is when someone avoids speaking about the future. 

“That means they don’t see you in the future,” Carter said.

Berzack also points out that someone stuck on superficial factors such as height, race, or fitness can be considered a red flag.

Another issue that needs to be acknowledged is that times have changed and marriage is no longer the focal point it once was.

“I think that men and women need to be looking at the traditional roles of men and women in a very different way than we have in the past,” Berzack said. “I think that the men need to step up and become more emotionally intelligent so that they can handle maybe not being the breadwinner in the family and not feel a decreased confidence in that role.”

Said Carter: “You have men online that want a woman who is a cook, a cleaner, all those things. But that value has shifted. There are a lot of women who are self-assured, right? Meaning that they have the degree. They’re going to work. They no longer want to be that type of woman.” 

Although dating can be exhausting, there are some ways to navigate its difficulties. There is not one right way to go about it but shifting perspective can turn things around. 

“I had to do the inner work,” Carter said. “I started doing the inner work and peeling off the layers and just focusing on me and giving myself more self-love. Once I did that, everything shifted for me. 

“I started attracting men that were more so on my level in terms of loving themselves, wanting to pour into themselves and wanting that type of relationship, a long-term loving relationship. Not just through marriage, but also through friendship as well.”

Putting personal boundaries, not ignoring the red flags, and knowing when to take a step back can help people avoid dating burnout. 

“Work on yourself and self-improvement,” Berzack said. “If you’re feeling unhappy about a certain aspect of your life, do the work around it. Go to therapy, do a self-help group, get to the gym, hire personal stylists, do whatever it is that you need to do to feel good about who you are.”

When hitting a dating wall, make adjustments – whether it’s personal or dating patterns instead of settling or repeating mistakes.

“Loving yourself is first and foremost because you have to love yourself first, truly, before you understand what it's like to love somebody and what it looks like for somebody to actually genuinely love you,” Carter said. “Do not give up on love and continue to get back out there because there is somebody special for everybody. Somebody is waiting for you.”

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