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Life and Religion

Kiss & Tell: Hair down there, a scary situation
A Sunday brunch turns to a discussion about Brazilians and bikinis
Published Thursday, April 18, 2013
by Michaela L. Duckett

clientuploads/wb_kiss-tell.gifIt’s a beautiful Sunday afternoon. I’m at one of my favorite spots Uptown having an al fresco brunch with some friends.

To my left is Jason, a 37-year-old computer geek who, like Tommy from “Martin,” is always talking about working but seems to have no job. Across from me sits Carmen the photographer. She’s 29. And Kerri, whose age I don’t know because she’s over 40 and refuses to tell anyone how old she is, is to my right.

Kerri is an executive at a major corporation that recently relocated its headquarters to Charlotte. She is telling us some story about how the wife of one of the VPs busted up into his office last week and attacked his secretary. Apparently she’d found out that they’d been having an affair.

“It was so crazy,” Kerry says, her eyes wide with enthusiasm. “She just walked up to the girl, asked her name and punched her in the face. And this was early in the morning. She’d probably just dropped the kids off at school. It wasn’t even 9 o’clock yet and these chicks were scrapping.

“All I know is I was checking my emails and I heard somebody screaming ‘No, no, no’ and ‘Get her off me. Call security!’ I go down the hall to see what’s going on. And the wife has the secretary down on the ground. Her dress was up, her Spanx were showing, weave tracks were in the floor and the wife was just whaling on her.

“Then the husband comes out of his office, and when the wife looked up and saw him she took off after him. He tried to run back to his office, but before he could make it, she jumped up and kicked him in the back of the head like some kung fu ninja. He flew forward and fell dead on his face. If I didn’t see it, I wouldn’t believe it.”

The crazy thing is, this isn’t the first incident that I’ve heard about this week involving a female kicking a man in his head. I guess it’s the new thing.

Kerri continues the story. She's obviously exaggerating a bit, but still we’re all laughing hysterically. Jason is laughing so hard he’s crying. He gains his composure and asks, “What color where they? Please tell me it wasn’t a brother.”

“Come on now, Jason,” says Carmen. “You know they were black.”

As Kerri confirms that yes indeed they were black, I hear Kendrick Lamar’s “Don’t Kill my Vibe,” blaring from someone’s car stereo. It’s Keisha pulling up in the parking lot. We can see her from the patio as she parks and steps out the car. As she makes her way to the front door, Jason watches her every move.

“Man, I ain’t gonna lie, Keisha got the biggest booty I’ve ever seen,” says Jason. “Is it really real?”

Polished all over

“What took you so long?” Carmen asks as Keisha takes her seat. “You said you were on your way over an hour ago. You should have beat us all here.”

“You know she’s always late,” Kerri the perfectionist chimes in.

“You see what had happened was…” Keisha begins. “I had to stop by Polished and get waxed. Me and my baby going out of town next week, and I can’t be embarrassing myself on the beach.”

“I’ve never been waxed,” says Kerri. “I just can’t see having some woman down there in my space like that. Besides, I’m not 12 years old, I’m supposed to have hair in places other than my head.”

“So what you just got a big bush down there?” Jason asks, looking like he might have just lost his appetite.

“Do you go get your stuff waxed?” she asks.

“I would if that’s what my lady likes,” he said.

“You probably rocking a Brazilian right now,” Keisha says.

“Want to find out?” he quips.

Before the banter can get any more x-rated, the waitress stops by our table to deliver food and top off mimosas. She gives us a side eye as Carmen starts sharing some story about a time when she was in between relationships and hadn’t exactly kept herself together down there. She said she was mortified when she spontaneously hooked up with an ex and he nicknamed her “Hairy Scary.”

“I ain’t going to lie,” Jason says, “That’s the difference between white women and black women. White women will never let you catch them slipping like that.”

“You can’t just generalize like that,” says Kerri.

 “I’m not generalizing, I’m speaking from experience,” Jason responds. “You should see the chick I’m dating now. She puts rhinestones and designs down there. It’s a big turn on.”

Black and white

Are black women really less concerned about being manicured down there? Jason’s comments make me curious, so I ask Candice Johnson. She’s a licensed esthetician and the owner of CJ Wax Studio at Sola Salons on South Boulevard.

Candice has a reputation among some circles as the Queen City’s “Queen of Waxing,” so I figured if anyone should know, it would be her.

“It’s not a white or a black thing; it’s just a woman thing,” she tells me. “I see white and black clients equally. I don’t see one more than the other.”

She said the difference sometimes is in the approach. She said most of her African-American clients come to her only after being referred by a friend.

“Black women usually just don’t trust everybody,” she says. “They want the service, but if they have a hard time finding somebody that they can trust, they just won’t get it done.”

Candice said black and white women of all ages come in to have their bikini areas waxed. Her oldest client is well in her 60s. She also has a good number of men who come in for “manscaping.” Some even get Brazilian waxes, which means all bare everything.

“A lot of them do it for their wives or significant others,” she says. “It spices things up.”

The Do's and Don'ts of Waxing

Before your next bikini wax, be sure to click here and check out Candice Johnson's tips on what you should and shouldn't do.




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