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The Voice of the Black Community

Life and Religion

Looking for love?
Avoid common mistakes that could keep you single
 
Published Thursday, October 11, 2012 8:38 am
by Michaela L. Duckett

Having a tough time finding love in the Queen City? You are not alone.


Charlotte was named the 10th worst city in the nation for dating by researchers at Sperling’s BestPlaces. In a study of 80 cities, Charlotte had one of the lowest percentages of singles and ranked number 71 overall.


Those percentages, however, have not kept Sheryl Spangler from finding love.


“I haven’t had any trouble finding people to date,” she says. “Charlotte is a fabulous city.”


Spangler a certified relationship coach and matchmaker and owner of Heart and Soul Matchmaking, moved to Charlotte four years ago from Seattle after ending a 28-year marriage. Now, she is not only involved in a committed relationship, she is also helping other Charlotteans find love.


For many singles, Spangler says the issue is not a matter of location but their approach to dating. They often repeat the same mistakes, each time expecting a different result.


“You have to be prepared to do something different,” she says. “If you are not having success in whatever you’ve been doing, don’t be afraid to try something new.”


Dating Mistake Number One: Being a homebody
It’s hard to meet anyone when you spend all your free time at home.


“You have to get out of your house,” says Spangler. She suggests starting with something simple, like going to a coffee shop or a park to do your reading.


She says single women should frequent places where men hang out. Go to Home Depot on Saturday or take up golf lessons. As for men, find the places where ladies are likely to be.


“Don’t be afraid of bars,” says Spangler. “As long as you are going to upscale bars and not just places known for pickups.”


Dating Mistake Number Two: Being afraid of rejection
The thought of approaching a complete stranger can conjure up feelings of apprehension.


“It’s very normal to feel that way,” Spangler says. “But the only way to get over it is to desensitize yourself by actually doing it.”


Don’t know what to say? Spangler suggests striking up a conversation using the F.L.O.P. approach. The “F” stands for family. “L” is for location. “O” is for occupation, and “P” is for passion.


“Formulate some questions ahead of time that cover those areas because those are safe areas,” says Spangler. “Ask the person where they are from and what brought them to Charlotte. Ask about their family and what they do for a living. Generally they will turn around and ask you the same things and before you know it, you are engaged in conversation.”


Dating Mistake Number Three: Moving too quickly
Spangler says look beyond looks and be careful not to get “carried away by the chemistry.” Take a step back and consider if the person you are attracted to is really a good match for you.


“If there is a physical attraction and a great chemistry,” she says, “often people move that relationship along way too quickly before they find out what they need to know about [the other person].”


When couples take it slow, she says, they often find themselves much more attracted to the other person because they have taken the time to get to know them and can appreciate their inner qualities.


“Give your head a chance to catch up to your heart,” says Spangler.


Dating Mistake Number Four: Ignoring the signs
Many singles are so anxious for love they overlook warning signs that the person they want to be with may not be a good long-term match.


“I call them yellow flags,” explains Spangler. “Those are clues that something is not right. You have to investigate them to see if they will turn green for go or red for stop. If they turn red for stop, meaning you asked and got your answer, then you need to stop.”


Online: Heartandsoulmatchmaking.com

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