Life and Religion
|Kiss & Tell: He’s got no time to waste waiting for sex|
|Two dates is the limit for Lotharios|
|Published Thursday, August 9, 2012 1:00 pm|
Editor’s note: This is the debut of a new column about relationships in Charlotte. Feel free to offer feedback via e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
It’s a Friday night. I’m at Delta’s Restaurant in Uptown.
|Kiss & Tell: Michaela Duckett|
Inside, a jazz band is playing. The Who’s Who of Charlotte’s African American elite –politicians, business leaders, top lawyers and doctors – are gathered around the bar drinking martinis and Hennesy on the rocks.
I’m outside on the patio with my friend “Chrystal” and a couple of guys talking about sex. The question is how long do you date before having sex?
“Two dates,” answers one of the guys, who we’ll call Chuma.
Chuma is 48 and tells me he’s from Zamunda (If you didn’t know, that’s Prince Akeem’s homeland in the movie “Coming to America.”)
“So you’re telling me that if a woman doesn’t have sex with you after two dates, you are ready to move on?” I ask.
“Two dates?” asks Chrystal. “Don’t you think that’s a little hasty?”
“No, not really,” Chuma says with a boyish grin. “A lot of time can pass between the first and second date. We could spend a month or two just talking on the phone and stuff like that. We can hang out together or go for a walk in the park. I don’t count that as a date.”
“Oh, here we go with the semantics,” Chrystal says. “So I guess what we need to ask is what’s your definition of a date?”
“A date is if I’m taking her out to dinner at a fancy restaurant and spending $100 or something. That’s a date.”
“And after you spend a certain amount of money, you expect something, huh?” asks Chrystal.
“I don’t want to say I expect. You can’t expect that from someone. But what I’m saying is that after two dates I’m ready to have sex and if she’s not then I move on.”
An unexpected interruption
Chuma goes on to explain that the older a guy is, the less time he has to wait. “In my age group, we are only but so far away from our deathbed,” he says. “I don’t have as much time to wait as I did when I was younger. I figure that by the second date she should know whether she wants to be with me or not, and I let her know that.”
“So what do these women say when you tell them after the second date that you are ready to move on if they don’t want or are not ready to have sex with you?” I ask.
Before Chuma can answer, Sandra Marshall, a friend of mine who owns one of the largest marketing firms in Charlotte, approaches. She says a brief hello to Chuma and introduces herself to Chrystal and the other guy at our table.
I invite her to join in on the discussion. She says she just arrived and needs to go inside and grab a drink first. When she walks away, Chuma excuses himself from the table and our conversation.
“I’ve got to go before she gets back if she’s going to join in this discussion,” he says. He takes gulp of his Heineken and continues, “She and I have some history together.”
“How many dates?” I ask.
“One,” he says. “She wanted me to take her out like 15 times before we had sex. I told her I didn’t have time for all that.”
Are younger men more patient?
It struck me odd that Chuma says older men are less patient when it comes to waiting for sex. I always thought it was the other way around and the young guys with the high sex drives would be more eager to get a woman in bed.
“I think as men get older we do tend to wait less time,” says “Roger,” a 31-year-old finance manager. “I might wait a year at the most, but it would be really hard. Man, that’s a long ass time. But now that I think about it, 10 years ago, I probably would have said two years.”
Would Roger lose respect for a woman if she gave it up on the first date?
“No,” he says. “I look at it like this. We are both grown, consenting adults. If we are having a good time and vibing and it just happens I’m not going to think any less of her.”
She’s a virgin
A few days later I meet a guy in his 20s. He’s a recent graduate of UNC Charlotte and says he’s been with his girlfriend for two years, and she’s still a virgin.
“She wants to save it for marriage,” he says. “It’s been a long wait and sometimes it gets hard (no pun intended), but I’m a patient man and I’m willing to wait on her because I love her. I plan to marry her in a couple of years.”
I bump into this same guy a few days after that conversation and he tells me that now she’s the one that doesn’t want to wait.
“She brought home a condom the other day and asked me did I want to use it,” he says. “I had to turn her down. This is a big deal and I want her to be sure that this is what she wants to do. But hey, if she really wants to do it, I’m definitely down with that.”
Keep him happy with sex
Thirty-year-old “Jared” has been in a relationship for the past couple of years. He says it’s not the waiting before you get in a relationship, but the waiting when you are in a relationship that drives him crazy.
“Me and my girl, we just hit a point where the passion is gone and we don’t do it like we used to,” he says. “I guess both of our schedules are just so crazy. Both of us are really busy, and I have to be up like at 4 a.m. to get to work.”
Jared adds that the lack of sex with his girlfriend has him considering hooking up with an ex.
“I think that a woman should do what she needs to do to keep her man happy in the bedroom. If she doesn’t, then she shouldn’t be surprised when he cheats.”
He says that he is willing to wait on a woman while they are just casually dating, but even then if he’s not getting it from her he will get it from somewhere else.
“Once we are together, I will be faithful to my woman as long as she is keeping me happy,” he says. “But if I’m not getting it like two or three times every week, then I’m going to go get it somewhere else. Now, if I were married that would be a different story. I wouldn’t cheat on my wife, but the girl I’m with now, she’s just a girlfriend so I can still have sex with other people if she’s not having sex with me.”
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